Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Starting To Re-energize

Last night, I went to the one meeting I've been going to every week, and as it turned out it was a group conscience night, and I stuck around for that, too. The meeting had far more people at it than I expected, but since there was another drug-related death last week that hit very close to home for many of the core group that attends the meeting, I wasn't really surprised. In fact, I was encouraged; if you're going to be heartbroken, you might as well be talking about it at a meeting. It's ninety more minutes of a safe place for people who have never handled emotional crisis well.
Group conscience also shone a light onto my own conscience, too. There was a short debate about finances. A guy who should know better was bemoaning the fact that the collection only netted $10 despite a crowd of 25; when only three people there have even one black keytag, there isn't a lot of spare income to be found, and not everyone there is totally convinced that they are part of the recovery community yet. I've always found it fruitless to get uptight about financial support in the fellowship--but then, I think I was raised in a different tradition than others. Basically, from my very first home group, I learned by the example set by people like Aldo and Rich A., that those with experience and means ought to shoulder a larger share of the burden of opening the doors, that individual members of the group take care of things like cups, coffee, sugar, etc. Not everyone thinks that way, and there are reasons in support of both views. But that's the way I've believed, and acted, for nearly two decades. No meeting that draws twenty to thirty people a week and that counts eight home group members should fold because they can't make the rent--and as long as I belong to it, they're not going to fold.. That's just the way it is.
And I haven't felt that passionate about much of anything for a few months now. It was good to care again, to not be dominated by my own personal issues. And even those are improving; the conscious decision to both not be a dick and to be honest about how I feel led to a pretty good day yesterday around here. It's going to be all right, no matter what happens.
Or maybe it's just because the birthday passed and whatever unsaid and hidden expectations I had surrounding it passed. For whatever reason, it was nice to feel something other than resigned exhaustion and suppressed resentment when I went to bed last night. And I feel all right this morning, too.

No comments: