Tuesday, April 18, 2017

One Giant Leap

I remember sharing in a meeting during my first summer clean about how I had a real problem that I was not going to be able to face for some time yet: the inability to say "No" to Sabrina's mother. That may seem absurd to those of you that have been reading this blog for the last eight years, but trust me, it was once a huge issue, one that caused a great deal of unmanageability at one time in my life.
And while that particular issue certainly resolved itself, it certainly has recurred in other relationships I have been in. While I am quite a bit more secure with who I am and less co-dependent than I was in 1999, 1) I certainly haven't been "cured" of those tendencies completely, and 2) I'm much more aware of my own tendencies to self-interest and control, and there are times when I end up going along with something because I think there's a good chance I'm being willful by not going along.
And trouble saying "no" has certainly been an issue with the last one. And to make a long story short, I refused to co-sign one of her manipulative attempts to alter the consequences of her most recent string of bad decisions. I went out of my way, in fact, to confront her and tell her that, if she followed through with her plans, and she ended up getting discharged, I didn't know where she thought she was going to, but it wasn't going to be this house. And I meant it.
And for whatever reasons, she ended up not being discharged. I've been moving on for some time, sometimes at a snail's pace, but there is also the reality that all her belongings are still here. I honestly would prefer to be able to simply ignore her presence on earth, but that's not realistic until all that stuff is out of here. But yesterday was a really big step for me; I drew a line in the sand and didn't give way. It's been a week since she departed, and while much else has happened, the chaos caused by immature, stupid willfulness that I, for whatever reasons, couldn't say no to has stopped. And I like it, and I'm not stepping backwards.

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