Monday, April 10, 2017

A Better Place To Live

Good news this morning, on several fronts. I used to be more wrapped up in the state budget than I am now, when my then-program was dependent to a degree on state funding. But the budget that was passed last night is a reminder that, for all the legitimate bitches about living in New York, it's still a real good place to live compared to Red America, because there is still a commitment by the government to use the government and the public purse to improve the lives of those that live here. The budget provides free college tuition for so-called middle income families, effective immediately. Which means that my daughter, about to start college in the fall, will have that much less money to find (ie borrow) to attend college. Since my own finances are shaky, this is more than welcome; it's a lifesaver. The age of criminal responsibility was also raised from 16 to 18, meaning that 16 and 17YOs will no longer automatically be charged as adults for any crimes; hopefully, this will mean that the prison population will decline somewhat, and at least the illusion of justice will swing back in the direction it ought to move. I am not a fan of Andrew Cuomo and will never be, but I have to say that as much as I detest him for who he is, he occasionally does good things. Believe me, it could be worse, and is in a lot of other places in the nation.
The curious limbo of my home life is headed for resolution, too, as soon as today. She will not be moving into her own apartment; consequences of an action she took over a week ago are going to lead to her going to an institution of some sort. I don't really think that what is being recommended is necessarily what she is going to need, but there is a standard procedure that authority follows when certain things happen, and she pretty much has no choice, if she would like to continue to not be a guest of the Department of Corrections. That may happen anyway, if authority does not deem her sufficiently motivated to get into the place they want her to be in. I'm not going to add to her burdens by blowing up a place to stay at this very moment, but when she leaves here, regardless of the circumstances, she's not coming back. And as time goes on, I realize more and more that, as hard as I have tried and as much effort as I have put into this, that ultimately, it's gone as far as it can go. A conversation with an ex-sponsor a few nights ago led me to a truly honest assessment of the situation. We all have things that we want out of a relationship, and qualities that we want and need to see in our partners. And the plain, unvarnished fact is that of the things that are important to me, the things that I want and need out of a partner and relationship, are things that she simply is either unable to unwilling to be on any kind of consistent basis. I'm not going to be a dick about it, but once you know something, you can't unknow it. And it has led to a bit of acceptance and even serenity about the whole thing. I've done the best I can, and conducted myself in a manner that demonstrates my own quality of character. That's really I could and can continue to do. And the expectations, the things that I am looking for out of a partner, are not unrealistic. I have a lot of thoughts about why she can't meet them, but that is ultimately a fruitless and pointless exercise; the fact is that for whatever reasons, she's not showing those characteristics, and isn't willing, at this time, to change her attitudes and behaviors enough to show them. It is what it is. And the one that is paying the price for her inability to change those attitudes and behaviors is her. My life will go on, a little emptier and with a bit of initial sadness, more or less unchanged.
The outside world showed a rare sense of justice yesterday; it was tense and drama-filled, but Sergio Garcia did win the Masters. Now it's on to the NHL playoffs, starting in a couple of nights. Let's hope that the Rangers show up for them.
And today is the home debut of Binghamton's softball team. My daughter, against considerable odds, is starting--at third base, of all places. But she is being counted on to be a key component of the team's attempt to defend its state championship. I will not be overly involved, but the games I am able to make, I will make. And I should be able to attend at least a portion of today's game.

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