Sunday, April 23, 2017

A Bearable Void

After having a full house for nearly two months, it's been a bit empty around here the last couple of weeks. Sabrina has been dog-sitting a friend's dogs while the friend is out of town for break, and is in the middle of softball season besides; I honestly have not seen her for more than an hour at a time in a week. And the erstwhile significant other is out of here (although her belongings, sadly, are still packed away in the basement, awaiting removal hopefully within a few days). I can't really say I miss her; the narcissism and the chaos it caused are certainly pleasantly notable by their absence. But not having someone around that was a daily, large presence for a while does leave a bit of a void.
Which isn't the worst thing in the world, to be sure. As I mentioned, I do not miss all the nonsense. I've gotten a bit of time to process events, and I am convinced that 1) I needed to have this happen because 2) I wasn't going to be able to let go until I was thoroughly sure that there was just no way this could work. And I am nothing if not that now. There will be other things, and maybe someday another person, that will fill the sudden, current void. I am likely to become more involved in the fellowship again, and the incessant time conflicts and scrambling that her crap seemed to always cause with my job have vanished, which is nice because I am going to be assigned two very time-consuming cases. The dog will no doubt be happier, too, especially when Sabrina's obligation is done and she's around more. With hockey playoff season upon us, and the Rangers somewhat surprisingly in the second round now, I can watch games without static.  And my budget is already returning to health.
Am I walking around with a shit-eating grin all the time? No. Regardless of the outcome, my emotional commitment was genuine, and it's unrealistic to be happy when a long-term effort like the one I put in turns out to be in vain. But it also isn't this gaping, painful wound that it might have been at other times. There are worse things than this kind of void; it's like a recuperation from surgery, in that soon enough it will be filled, back to "normal," more or less.

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