Friday, March 31, 2017

An Early Birthday Present

If something can't go on, it won't. And after all the reboots, the trying, the chances, the commitments, the trying to find the willingness to work through, last night the long and winding road came to a dead end. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm not even sure if I feel relief. I just know that I have nothing left to give. And after yet another provocation, after yet another demonstration of just how far apart our mindsets really are on some things, she left.
And I'm just fine with it. Although I can't be so lucky as to never have communication again, at least any lingering uncertainty has been dispensed with. I've seen a bunch of quotes this week having to do with self-respect and setting healthy boundaries, and in some ways I guess that was God telling me it was time--long past time. God's will usually isn't that hard to ascertain, and if you tend to overlook or ignore the smaller hints, eventually they get applied with more blunt-force tools.
The logistics are going to be somewhat complicated. But the emotional fire is out. It really is. The instafreeze happened last night, really for the first time with this one. There are tipping points, when something that has been precariously teetering gives way, and it will never be put together again. That's where I am. And although I am often prone to look backwards in situations like this, feel anger at the other party and self-loathing on mine, I'm not feeling that today. I know I did the very best I could, and beyond. Only she can tell you if she did the best she could, and whatever I suspect the answer to that question may be, it doesn't really matter in the end.
Relationships are between two people. And her half, at this point, doesn't matter. I'm withdrawing my half, and it's not going to be extended again. The door can't be closed completely just yet because the disentanglement of physical items is going to take some time. But emotionally, the door is locked. And the best thing is, as far as I am concerned, is that the final straw wasn't something I did. I've got a past, too, and I can remember how hard I used to work, how tenuous I would make connections, to pick a fight with my ex-wife to have a "reason" to do what I wanted to do. Now I know what my ex-wife must have felt like. And I understand a little bit better about why, when the marriage ended, why she was never tempted to look backward.

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