Sunday, February 5, 2017

A New Routine, Under Construction

It was two weeks ago that I walked out of the group home for the last time, and officially changed jobs. The reality of this new job is that while I am very happy in general, the one drawback is that with so many school-age children on my caseload, I have to work at least one weekend day to get all our billable hours in for them. And for me, that day is going to be Sunday. The offsetting gain is that I will normally have Friday off, which, as weekdays go, is a better one to have off than Mondays like I did at the former job.
The fact that today is the Super Bowl isn't a cause for regret. For one thing, I will be done working by time the game starts. For another, I have no real interest in the game, beyond my vague interest as a football fan; I am indifferent to the fortunes of either team, and I am not one of the legion of Tom Brady haters that seem to proliferate like mushrooms this time of year. I am not planning on going anywhere other than home to watch the game; I've been to parties a few times in recent years and I certainly don't mind going to them, but this year, I will be very content to watch with the dog and doze off during the game at some point. Most Super Bowls tend to be routs--although, thinking back, every single one of the Belichek Patriot Super Bowls, a half-dozen of them, was in doubt until the very end. So chances are it is going to be a good, close game.
It may be a little different after Lauren comes home. At this point, it is not clear when, or even whether she will be able to exercise it, she will get visitation with her daughter. I am hoping it will be on Sundays, wherever it has to be; it would be the most convenient and easiest solution for us. Which likely means it's not going to happen; things rarely work that way. But whatever it turns out to be will be fine; that's going to be a priority. I talked to her yesterday, during the one phone call she can have during non-visit weeks, and she is sounding more upbeat and definitely ready to come home. And while I have some fears and unease surrounding her being here, I am also excited and happy beyond belief in many ways, too. I'm grown up enough to know that it isn't always going to be lovely. But on the whole, I would rather she was here than not, and we've been around each other for enough time that I know we are compatible in close quarters. When the baring of souls was taking place between us in the fall, some things were admitted, and one of them was that, far from getting sick of me, one of the things that caused problems for her was that I was not around enough. That won't be an issue this time.
I think the future is going to hold either the 9 AM AA meeting at a church a couple of blocks from my house or the AA Scrapyard meeting at night. But I wasn't going to go to the morning meeting because her phone call time is around 9:45, and I ended up getting persuaded, in a case of addition by subtraction (several people I loathe that are normally there were at a convention this weekend), to go to my old home group. And I was glad I went. I didn't share, but many people did, and I got a lot of the meeting. I also got to talk with some people, and I gained a renewed appreciation for my own fellowship. Most of us think for themselves. I learned, yet again, that whatever else I may or may not be, I do not blend into the background, and I'm fine with that.
And I got another reminder last night that I have moved in the right direction. I heard from a couple of Nightmeredith's old friends, two women that have stayed clean after their completion of the same program. There was some drama about her Facebook page, and they were asking me for information. I don't have any to give them, because some time ago, I really ceased to care. There comes a point where, for whatever reasons, you're just ready to close the door and move on, and I reached it several months ago. There's been a couple of attempts on her part to contact me, and I've not responded, because there's nothing there, nothing left, nothing to be gained--and plenty to be lost, too. I have committed to who I am with fully, and I have no desire to get involved on any level, for any reason, with exes, especially those that have returned to being in the grip of addiction.
If life is a journey, then the scenery really ought to change as you move along. And it has been, and will continue to do so. It doesn't mean that some of the same people won't be around; they're journeying, too. But it does mean that routines change and different experiences accumulate. And today marks the beginning of a new level of experiences, working with kids in a positive way in a non-school environment. The pay isn't as much as I think it's worth, but it makes a positive difference, and it's more than just being a caretaker of a facility. So I am looking forward to it, as the first installment of a major renovation of my daily routines of life. We'll see how it all looks, say, in June, but right now, I'm kind of excited to get on with it.

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