Thursday, January 19, 2017

Not Sure How I Feel

There was an interesting development today. I do not glory or gloat over the misfortunes of others, especially those that are in the throes of addiction. On the other hand, while I am better at forgiving and at tolerating those that I find it impossible to fully forgive, there's a part of me that, if not quite enjoys, cracks a smile when karma comes calling. And today, karma came calling for the McHale Experience.
I don't know what happened, and I don't anticipate knowing. All I know is that three weeks after the Experience came back from state prison, she is back behind bars tonight. She talks so much and tells so many untruths and lies that I doubt she remembers having this conversation with me--but the first place my mine went today was her snide remarks regarding someone else getting violated after being home 23 days. It's funny how karma works that way, isn't it?
The saddest thing about the Experience is that underneath the grime and the shadiness, there is a sparkling personality, someone very intelligent and vivacious, someone who can look quite attractive when she wants to. It's really frustrating, after you get to know her, that she devotes so much time to lying and then covering up the lies and dishonesty; the level of ingenuity she displays in that endeavor would undoubtedly lead to success in just about anything else she chose to do, if only she would pursue it.
But she doesn't. I reactivated the block on her number when she came home, and I blocked her on Facebook, too; I just don't have anything to say to her, and want nothing to do with her. And I knew that what happened today was going to eventually happen; as smart as she is, she isn't so smart as to be able to get away with getting high all the time and fooling parole. And I'm not even going to waste my breath in saying, "Maybe this is what she needs; maybe this will prove to be the last straw." The other fellowship is much more realistic on this subject than Narcotics Anonymous is, and the Experience is one of those "unfortunates" that is "constitutionally incapable of honesty."
I feel bad for a few people that she had enticed into her orbit. I feel bad for the guy that was "taking care" of her when she was in county jail and after she went away to Bedford: I escaped with only having taken a mental beating; this poor guy lost a pile of money he didn't have to lose to her. I also feel bad for her latest hostage; the Experience swings in both directions, but seems, fling with me notwithstanding, to prefer the company of her own gender these days, and she latched onto yet another poor soul in prison that is convinced that the Experience is a gift from heaven. That person was distraught on social media today; I can only hope that the pain is fleeting and that healing takes place quickly, as it did for me.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The Experience has sold herself  the illusion that her life story is so messed up that she must get high to get through her waking hours. And she almost took herself out three times this summer, and I am wondering if it has happened again since she got home from prison after Christmas. And that's perhaps the most unfortunate part of this all; she really enjoys, gets a rush from, nearly dying in an overdose. I prefer less dangerous ways to impart meaning to my life, and to find enjoyment in somewhat mundane pursuits. But then, I enjoy life, have for years, and have become very comfortable with who and what I am in recent years. She's not going to do what is necessary to get to that point; she doesn't have the willingness, and believes, deep down, that there is no way she can stop feeling what she feels.
There may not be. But I don't know why you wouldn't at least try. And that's the essential difference between us. I stopped indulging and wallowing in pain that justified my using, and worked instead on discovering what was causing it, and taking positive action to counter it, a process that led me to a belief in God that has allowed me to not only put the past behind me, but has allowed me to handle all sorts of new calamities. It can happen for her, too, and she is smart enough to know that it can happen for her, too.
She doesn't want to. Period. I can't fathom acting on that degree of self-centerdness, of that much self-absorption, these days. My spirit is too awake now to do that to my kids, my family, and my friends. And one of my character defects that remains strong is a tendency to not offer support and encouragement to those that have taken advantage of me when I have done so in the past. And few took more liberties with my better nature than the Experience. Jail isn't a bad place for her right now; she won't be killing herself and her children will not be motherless.
Except that they are.

No comments: