Thursday, October 27, 2016

Pausing At The Crossroads

I find myself at a true crossroads. A few different developments are coming to fruition. There is the job situation; I finished the training modules for the new position, and it seems likely that I will start working in the new program full time fairly soon, perhaps as early as two weeks. We are getting the dog we adopted from the shelter tomorrow afternoon, and both Sabrina and I are beyond excited for Wimmer (short for Whimsical, which is apparently his name) to join our family. On a more ambivalent note, I have been in regular communication with my ex, and I honestly am not sure what I feel, what direction to go in, or even what to do; I don't have to make up my mind for a long time yet, and this is not the time I want to discuss details, but it's gotten, in Facebook parlance, very complicated. I am very glad that there are four months or so for God's will to be made a lot clearer than it is now, because right now I really do not know what He would like to see from me in a situation that I really never thought I'd be in. And on a more somber note, I spent some time with my mother today, and suddenly, she's really old. It is dawning on me that this is likely the last winter she will be living in her own home; she is becoming increasingly feeble, even if her mind's decline has been stabilized, and she really can't get around well at all anymore.
I'm not sure what any or all of these factors is going to be bringing to my life... other than changes. Am I ready for them? I don't know if you can be ready for major, earth-shaking changes, and all four of these have the potential to be seismic changes independently of one another. When all four are going to be happening concurrently, along with my daughter finishing high school...well, life is going to be a lot different in the weeks and months to come. I hope for the better, but there's no guarantees, not in this life.
But I'm as ready as I am ever going to be, and in large part, what's happening is the result of decisions I've already made. I decided two months ago that as grateful as I am for the lifeline this current job threw me in April, I need to get off third shift for my own sanity and manageability. The dog is something I've wanted for years, and it just seemed to be the right time now; it will help with the home atmosphere, and I need another presence in the house after Sabrina goes to college next fall. I do not know what is going to happen with Lauren, because it isn't possible to know at this point--but I am reasonably sure that abandoning someone that quite clearly has a major degree of affection for me and whom I am the only reliable presence in her life is not what I should be doing at this time--and I made that decision even before her current legal issue arose. And my mom is not going to get physically better ever again; it's time to show some gratitude for all the times she's been there for me by doing what I need to do to make her final years as comfortable as they can be.
And more than ever, it is imperative to do this one day at a time. I have not a clue how life is going to look in February, but I do know that it will be different. And I'm sure that if I keep my focus on God's will, do the best I know how, and try to be kind and principled as I can be, it will be all right, even if it isn't what I want it to be or think it's going to be.

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