Sunday, October 16, 2016

Letting Go And Geting On With Life

This has been a hell of a work week. I worked an extra day early in the week, and this is the fourth night in a row, and my ass is dragging right now. It's only 6 1/2 hours left, and then I am off for the best part of three days, and not a moment too soon.
I remember not having a job, and how that put a lot of strain on me and my family. I remember when I started this job, the adjustment period was compounded by the end of one relationship, and then the brief advent of another, and then by the crash and burn of my ex. It's been a few weeks here where I've almost felt normal, and the end of the third shift existence is in sight.
And it feels wonderful, to be honest. I've liked the actual job here better and better. I've discovered that most of the  kids here do respect me. Granted, it's easier in some ways when you are the third shift staff; I don't have an enforcement role around here like the day staff do. But I also have noticed that the difficulties that day shift reports with some of the kids, I just don't see that side of them. And even the kid that I've struggled to find empathy for has told other staff that he actually likes me--which completely blew me away, because we have had run-ins.
But I don't hold grudges, especially with kids. And kids, especially in this setting, tend to have short memories, too. I got to thinking about this today at my home group. Somebody I've had major differences with in the past shared about still struggling with letting go of issues with others. I wasn't sure if the person was referring to their issue with me. I sincerely hope not. I've left that person alone since the last problem we had, and I honestly don't think a whole lot about the matter anymore. And one thing that has contributed mightily to manageability in my life in recent years has been the ability to let go. Even recently, when my ex landed in jail and I was given an opportunity to indulge resentments and hurts, I addressed them quickly and in a way which didn't add to her misery, and I've moved on from them, to the point where we still have a functional relationship. And it isn't all that hard, I've found.
And it sure seems to work better. I get mad sometimes, but even those that I get mad at, I will cur out completely rather than nurse a resentment with. It reminds me of an answering machine outgoing message I had about ten years ago: "This is Steve. I've been making some changes in my life, and if you haven't heard from me in a while, you might be one of them. Leave a message at the tone." I've been able to do that again, just let it go and move on. And I'm happier for it.

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