Monday, October 10, 2016

Carry That Weight

I took advantage of an opportunity to work last night/this morning. It will be both holiday pay and overtime when the week is calculated, so that's going to be a good thing. But I also have struggled the last few days with some of the things going on in my life, and tonight has proven to be a bit of a chance to sort some of it out.
Especially since the damn Internet was out for three hours here. I don't watch much TV, and I definitely will not do it here because it will serve as a magnet to several of our young people that don't need much of an excuse to not sleep. The lack of distraction gave me time to do my job more thoroughly than I normally do, and also to write a letter that I needed to write, to get off my chest some of the resentment that has been building for a few years with one person in my life. And I brought a stamped envelope to work, so it's going out on the way home. I talked to the person on the phone today too and tore her a new one, too, prompting tearful apologies and more promises. Well, I've heard a lot of that over the years, and I've done with words.
There was a positive development this weekend, too, one I'm not prepared to share publicly yet. But something that has been budding for several weeks is starting to sprout. And it's a breath of fresh air, a needed change, a contrast to what I'm used to. But it was an amazing afternoon the other day, one that I hope can be repeated soon.
And it almost made up for the bullshit that came before and after it. For the umpteenth time since I started working here, the relief was seriously late the other morning. I am just blown away by this, not only by how grown men and women have apparently forgotten what they learned in kindergarten and cannot tell time, but how little consequences there are to be paid for being that way. You'd think, if nothing else, this agency would wonder why they have to pay me an hour or two of overtime every pay period, but as far as I know, nobody has ever caught more than a "we wish you wouldn't do that" for being habitually and seriously late. I will miss some aspects of this job when I go to the new program shortly. I will not miss biting through my lips and fuming to the point of volcanism at least once every weekend, wondering not only how people are consistently late for work, but aren't even considerate enough to call the house and say they're running late, which would defuse almost all of the anger. But I digress... and then I had a flat tire, and my mechanic did not have my size in stock, which meant I had to switch cars with my daughter because I wasn't going to drive eighty miles on a donut spare. Her situation went from troubled to "over" as the weekend progressed, and she is extremely depressed and upset about it now. Poor girl. But there are limits to what I can do. And then on top of it all, after I went to my home group, I discovered that we had two new home group members. One I like. One... well, it's going to be a test of patience and tolerance. But anything is an opportunity for growth, I guess.
And as the morning progresses here, I'm finding a little more direction and a little more courage to do what needs to be done, as well as saying what needs to be said. I'm not sure when that's going to happen, but it's not going to linger for a long time, either. It didn't escape my notice that the most recent periods of relative serenity and calm in my life and a certain person's absence from it coincide more or less perfectly. And if I choose to, I don't have to deal with that person at all if I don't want to. And I'm almost to that point.
I feel like I've been a beast of burden, carrying a load that would prove too heavy for many others. But I took on a whole bunch of that weight myself, and I realize I can shed some or all of that weight at any time. Is it God's will to do so? I'm not sure, honestly. But I can tell you that I would have, and did, answer "no" to that question not even a week ago.
Sometimes, people by their actions make decisions for you.

No comments: