Thursday, October 20, 2016

A Direction Becomes Clearer

I'm not going to put my ex's business out here, at least not now. But a great deal of my thought process and my prayers have been devoted to her recently. Whatever has gone on between us in the past, it is clear that I do occupy a place in  her heart and soul that no one else does or ever has before (and for those that may think otherwise, I really don't care what you think). I've discussed several times recently, with both my current and former sponsors, what has been going on, and both of them said essentially that it has been God's will that I have had a big role in her life, and most likely that I should continue to do so. Whether it is the role I want it to be or hope it will be has really become secondary; what really matters is that it is not possible, not now, to just turn away and say, "It had its moments, but we're all done now, and have a nice life."

I would like to, at times; I'm not going to lie about that. Especially since there is a lot of stuff between us that caused pain, and I am not sure that there is ever going to be any way to ease some of it. But today, she learned not only her destination for the next few months (which was not a surprise) but a new condition of life when she gets released. And suddenly, the question of what role I am playing and am going to play in her life just became magnified.

There's not really  a way to talk more about it without giving details. But I'm going to try. Even families that others regard as "dysfunctional" are all that the people in them know, and they love the members of those families as much as you or I love our family members. And when their presence is removed, it leaves a void. A big one. And to make a long story short, my support and love (on whatever level it is) for her went from desired and appreciated to all she has for the foreseeable future. Do I really want to take on that kind of role?

I don't feel like I have a choice (although my inclination, my choice, would be to do so, regardless). But I simply cannot conceive of any way that God's will in this situation is to make someone feeling abandoned feel worse and more abandoned. I can make sure that appropriate boundaries are in place, and I can make sure that I do not lose my own way down paths I have already discovered hold no lasting value. But I simply cannot, and do not want to, walk away and leave her to face her fate and to try to forge, yet again, a new way of life without the guidance and support of the one person she has come to rely upon, the one person that has always been there for her no matter what the troubles may have been.

I'm a better man than that. And God's will, I am reasonably sure, is not to turn my back when she most needs help. I may turn out to be wrong. But if I do, I know I did what I am going to do with not only good intentions, but after praying and reaching out for help and input about the matter. Which is one reason why I am reasonably sure I am doing the right thing.

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