Sunday, August 7, 2016

Riding The Storm Out

You can never tell with any certainty when the worst is over. Bill Cosby, long before he was disgraced, did a rather funny bit about how one should never say that things couldn't get worse, and that is an adage I've found to be true. But I have good reason to believe that I have gone through a considerable tempest here, and fetched up on the other side intact and with my spirit in decent shape. I even shared at some length about it in the meeting tonight.
With financial burdens eased for the moment, I can focus on a way forward, and Sabrina can start seriously thinking about which college to attend. The acts of the drama was that was the association with the one-time Queen have been played out, and the curtain brought down; all the illusions have been stripped away and discarded, most especially the idea that being "friends" was possible. Some of my reservations have been faced squarely, and I have a renewed appreciation for being clean and a healthier respect for the disease of addiction. And I have caught some massive breaks; my employer is very patient with me, and the money so far has been enough.
And I have put much that unsettled me behind me. I have committed, after some indecision, to a new sponsor; the added icing on the cake was that he used to, before his retirement, supervise the very group home I work at, so his input on the struggles I have had working there are invaluable. Even as I have closed the door on some people and dismissed them from my life, others have entered it, male and female, and have brought all sorts of new wonders to the table. I have found that more than ever, "the only winning move is not to play" with some people; they are around, but I don't have to buy into whatever stuff they are pushing.
And I am doing a much better job of asking for God's help, and of asking for knowledge of His will, consistently and consciously. I don't think it's a coincidence that my life has started getting more manageable, in increments but also steadily. I feel unagitated and unworried much of the time. And I am rediscovering and reliving one of my basic traits, one of my better ones: it may take me a long time to make up my mind and/or commit to a course of action, but when I do, I don't look back. And I am not looking back. All the things that have been vexing me for months and even years are not things I currently wish to endure anymore--but I have learned from the experiences.
I feel like the sun is out and the storm has moved on. How long until the next one, I don't know. But I'm going to enjoy the sun on my face while it lasts.

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