Friday, August 5, 2016

Not A Great Week

And it's about to get worse. One of the "for better or worse" things about being with someone for a long time is that you know their routines and their usual ways of doing things--and conversely, when something is not right. The erstwhile Queen and I are not as close as we once were--she's my ex, after all--but I have made a determined effort to keep rancor out of our relationship. And I know that she spends a lot of time on Facebook, even if she isn't posting--so if she has gone ten hours without being online, something's up.
And it is. There are changes coming in her situation. I know some things I don't want to share with the world, but the specifics don't really matter. What can I say...
It is the looking for what you want among a crowd where it is never going to be found. It is the belief that willpower will be enough to keep you from getting the haircut in the barbershop you go to nearly every day. And it is the inability to put short-term gratification to the side when it conflicts with or threatens long-term security.
I dealt with some difficult texts this early morning. The fear is palpable--hell, it's terror, not fear. The consequences that may arise will not be pleasant.
I am still hoping against hope that this is not what it appears to be. But it sure isn't looking that way. I'm not sure how I feel. The biggest part of me is very, very sad, both for her and her daughter who has finally gotten used to having her around the last few months again. There's a part of me that, honestly, feels almost glad, almost like "you pushed away the best thing that ever happened to you, and is ever going to happen to you, and look what's happening now". But mostly, I just feel numb, like it is the inevitable result of a process that started months ago. A process marked by an inability, above all else, to accept that for someone that suffers from the peculiar set of symptoms that we do, there is only one proven remedy, one process that keeps the chaos at bay and allows us to overcome our own self-destructive impulses and beliefs. That way is the program of our Twelve Step Felllowship. She has never wanted to work the program, and she keeps paying the price.
And the bill is coming due again.

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