Saturday, August 6, 2016

Closing The Mausoleum Door

It's never fun to see anyone's life implode. It's even less fun when it's the life of someone that you once cared deeply for--actually, still cared deeply for, just not on the level that you used to. But there comes a time when you have to, for your own safety and sanity, let go of them, put up a boundary that you have to guard with the resoluteness of a Buckingham Palace bobbie. And  that day arrived yesterday.
I'm not going into detail. Suffice it to say that there was some deceit involved, some air cleared, and most importantly, it became apparent that the other person has not been living up to the agreements required by the state of the New York, and will soon be wearing monochromatic clothing again. It has also become apparent that the problems that landed her in trouble to begin with have returned--indeed, have a huge role in what is happening now.
And after three years, I have had enough. I walked the full mile, first as a partner and then as a friend. But I can't care about someone more than they care about themselves. Maybe it will take another period of enforced isolation, this time without the support of someone devoted to her, before the lights will go on and stay on. Or maybe they never will. There are some people that simply are unable or unwilling to learn from experience, and the evidence is increasing that this person is one of them. In any event, I am done. Yesterday, something was said that was an insta-freeze moment. I've had them with several people at various times in my life, when something is said or done that suddenly cuts through the layers of feeling and simply renders further effort useless--a freezing of the core of my heart that will not ever thaw, no matter what apologies or amends are subsequently made.
And thus, it was over. I thought about blocking her number, but she isn't going to call or text me anytime soon, and chances are she is not going to be at liberty for more than 72 hours in any event. And then it will be truly a case of out of sight, (almost) out of mind. But today, once the initial irritation had passed, I felt more relief than anything else. I'm not sorry I spent the time I did with her; I became a much better man during the time I was with her. But she has gone from troubled to toxic, and that means she has to go. Now.
A lot of bullshit and bullshitters have exited stage left in recent weeks. Here's hoping that this is the end of it, and that I show enough wisdom to learn from my experiences and not introduce any new members of the species into my life.

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