Friday, July 29, 2016

Sad But Relieved

A couple of months ago, I was waxing poetic in this space about all things being possible. But that adage is a sword that moves in both directions. At the time, it seemed ridiculous that the woman who was proving to be vivacious and full of life at that time would ever again be caught in the coils of active addiction. But I learned in a rather short period of time that the nightmare had already returned; I was just in the presence of someone who was able to mask the reality better than almost anyone else I have ever met. Once the mask slipped a couple of times, though, the naked clawed monster that addiction is revealed itself in all its ferocity, and I was obligated for my own safety and sanity to cut off ties with her. Others in our mutual circles came to the same decision, too, and even those that were willing to keep company with her privately were hoping for some sort of intervention from some agent to stop the spiral before it ended her life; there were several close calls, and they were starting to happen with alarming frequency.
Well, the spiral has ended, at least for now. And she is still breathing. Her wardrobe will be uni-color for some time to come, and I am sure she will not be happy where she is, but at least the possibility is now there that the promise of freedom from active addiction can take root and eventually flower. I am not happy that this turn of events came to pass. My preference would have been that what seemed to be a month ago was reality. My hope would be that somehow, the spiral could have stopped short of such a drastic intervention. But my acceptance is that this was the only way, short of the stopping of respiration, that the spiral was going to end. For many people suffering from addiction, authority with the ability to incarcerate is the agent of desperation of the Higher Power that can, if we let it, allow the addict to recover.
I am not happy. But I am relieved that this story, at this time, does not end with a funeral. I do not, despite the feverish paranoia that she was espousing to her dwindling number of friends, wish her ill. A return to what was a month ago is very unlikely, because there has been too much deceit revealed to have taken place and been said, and deceit is the corrosive acid that erodes any relationship--and some get damaged beyond full repair and restoration. But I do not wish to extract a pound of flesh as reparations for my own perceived injury; I am not that important, for one, and although I would like to declaim that I am without any responsibility whatsoever, any relationship is between two people, and both contribute to all aspects of said relationship, including the tensions and issues that cause it to end. Assigning blame is pointless; in that most trite of modern clich├ęs, it is what it is.
I just want everyone's nightmare, but most of all her own, to come to an end. I want her to experience the freedom from active addiction that is the promise of a recovery program, a freedom I have enjoyed for a third of my life now and that I value more than any one person's company, no matter how alluring. I want her to find some peace, to quiet the incessant and discordant voices in her head that cause the reliving and reenactment of thousands of traumas over the course of her life that no human being should have had to endure. I do not know what the future holds for her, and even authority did not want to take this step; there is a realization that the issues she faces cannot be punished away.
But some sort of intervention and respite proved to be necessary. My hopes and prayers are that at some point she realizes that she has been spared death so many times for a better purpose than to repeat the same behaviors. that her own Higher Power not only exists but has plans for her that He would like her to embrace and fulfill.
There has been enough pain and heartache for several lifetimes already. No, I did not want this to happen. But now that it has, my dogged and determined hope is that it never becomes necessary again.

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