Thursday, August 6, 2015

Many Balls In The Air

I took a personal day yesterday, but it was hardly a day off. I spent most of it elsewhere, and had my home group and then group conscience afterwards; it was well after nine o'clock when I got back home, which meant I was away from the house for a good sixteen hours, and it was another two hours before going to bed was an option. There were twenty emails during the day for my job, some of which are semi-urgent and have to be taken care of today. There were several messages regarding our annual event in the park coming up next Saturday, which requires more and more coordination and decisions as the date approaches. There is my daughter and her needs; she was with her aunt yesterday and will be again on Friday, works today and Saturday. I have sponsees that are going through things. And of course, hanging over it all is the Queen and her stuff.
That's a lot of balls in the air. And I'm not by nature a juggler.
But I'm managing, by keeping it simple and remembering what I first learned years ago in early recovery--just take care of what's in front of you at the moment, and let God take care of the future. It's not quite as easy or sanguine as that--some people claim that they don't feel stress at all, that they just exist in the present, but frankly I have my doubts, and even if that's true for them, it's not ever totally true for me. But I do have to say that focusing on the present does tend to free the mind from obsession over the future, and obsessing over future results is, frankly, paralyzing if I indulge in it. And it also keeps me from focusing too much on other people and what they are and are not doing. The more astute of you might have noticed that one of the things I did last night when I returned home was take down yesterday's blog post. I don't regret writing it, and I stand by what I said in it--but leaving it there for posterity would ultimately cause more harm than good, because it would be another turd in the punch bowl in a situation that already is going to be difficult to deal with in the times to come anyway. That person is what they are, and ultimately I have to deal with that person on some level if I am going to stay with the Queen, which is certainly my intention. Writing it provided some temporary relief for me, but that's all it was, and leaving it up would have just been one more ball in the air. I made my point. Wishing that the person I wrote about was different is, in the long run, futile.
So today, I am going to do, in a little while, what I have gotten back to doing--writing out a to-do list for the day, and trying like hell to accomplish all or almost all of the items on them. For the last week, the lists have had fifteen to twenty entries, and I've been accomplishing just about all of them--including things to do at home, which is usually what suffers when I run out of gas after coming home from work. It keeps me organized, it forces me to prioritize what has to be done right now from what can wait, and it frankly gives me a sense of accomplishment as the day goes along. Which I need as much as my teenage daughter or the Queen or my sponsees or my friends or my co-workers--I think the biggest and most damaging long-term problem for most of us is feeling like we're spinning our wheels, like we're never getting anywhere or getting anything done. This can happen easily when there is a lot to do and not enough time, it seems, to do it.
I been going through a lot of feelings lately, but thankfully, that hasn't been one of them. And this is a small town, and I have my ear close to the ground usually, and there's always Facebook, and what I don't see and hear personally many people tend to keep me informed of. And there are a lot of people out there that are stuck in old behavior patterns, that keep finding legal trouble or can't get off the addiction train or are trapped in relationships that don't work or that can't find meaning and purpose in their lives, or some combination of all of the above. And even though I feel like sometimes that I am in over my head, or that it all is going to come crashing down, or wonder if the decisions I am making are good ones...I am not stuck or trapped, and I am certainly not without purpose and meaning. Not everything I do is totally spiritually sound and selfless, and I certainly fall short at times with attitudes and behaviors--when I feel overwhelmed, my patience ebbs or evaporates and I lose my temper or I make a remark I shouldn't or indulge my lower power in a blog post for a day. But by and large, I am moving forward, not stuck, and by doing so, those that matter to me are benefiting. And so am I . I work on being more patient, tolerant, and useful to others every day of my life, and even though I'm not any of those on occasion, the general trend has been in the right direction.
Not only can I juggle better than I thought I could, but I can walk forward while doing so as well. Even though I'd like to run at times, I shouldn't lose sight of the fact what I'm doing now was something I simply wasn't capable of a year or two ago.

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